I have never been one to create New Years Resolutions. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with them. In fact, I admire people who do…however…I have just never been that girl. Why? Well for me, when I make a decision to something, I do it when I feel it. If I wait for a new year, or a “Monday”, or even tomorrow… it might never happen. A practice that I have turned into a habit over the years is, learning to stop and reflect (which is something I do partake in around the end of the year). Yes, I like to conduct personal assessments of myself and my life to see where I am and what I need to improve on. I’m just a cornball that way.
2016 has not been a bad year as far as years go, at least not for me. However, I think I have learned a lot about myself this year that I had never realized. My list of personal self reflections are as follows:
I am by nature a private and introverted person.
I never realized it but this year it sort of slapped me in the face. Of course I have friends that I enjoy spending time with (whenever time permits) but, extremely large crowds make me uncomfortable. I prefer to do things in small groups. I am naturally a private person. Please do not confuse private with shy. I am FAR from shy but I value being exclusive with certain parts of my life, certain people in my life, and certain things in my life. I wish I could give you a detailed explanation as to why but…I can’t (insert awkward laugh here😅). It is something that just comes organic to my character and I have learned to accept that about myself. Which is why I probably don’t post as much on social media as other people. At one point in my life, I wished I could be bold enough to share everything in my life in photos but…I’m just not that girl.
I hate for people to see me vulnerable.
This was one of the harder lessons that I had to learn in 2016 (thanks for putting the mirror in my face on that one husband). For me this is a bit more personal. See, a lot of people don’t know this because I generally have a strong demeanor but I am in fact a human being. I cry…it’s rare…but it happens. My feelings get hurt more often than I share with people. Unless I vocalize it, most people won’t even know. I became a turtle. All the hard gooey, mushy, interesting stuff is hidden by a hard ass shell because I don’t like being constantly criticized. I feel like I was always picked apart in my early twenties so I found a way to prevent it. I just keep most sh*t to myself (along with a few other close people…sometimes 😶). Is that a good thing? I don’t know but, I can finally admit it to myself and make peace with it. To love me is to know me and knowing me takes patience mixed with lots of compassion (with extra amounts of love on top).
I have no idea what the f*ck I’m doing with my life right now and I have finally come to accept it.
I was in the military for over 11 and half years. Life has changed and that is no longer the largest aspect of my life. So here I am…a late 20 something year old woman trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. Based on my choices and educational background, I thought a writing career was all I wanted. Now I find myself looking down the hall with 30 closer than I thought and I’m not sure if that is the career I truly want to pursue. Are we supposed to chase what we think we are good at or what we enjoy? At this point I am not sure if having it all at the same time is an honest possibility (in reference to my career) but, I am open to venturing out and discovering that for myself in 2017.
When I feel like I don’t have my life together…I hide from my friends.
Hear me out on this one…I love my friends. The are the best f*cking people on the planet. I wouldn’t trade them for any pair of Manolo Bhlanik’s and for me…that’s saying a lot! With that being said, in most situations I am known as the one that always has her sh*t together. In reality…wrong! Again, I’m human to a fault sometimes. So I do that turtle thing that I mentioned earlier and hide myself from the world until I think I once again have control. All I can say is that not that I have recognized that, I’m going to make an honest effort to do better. If you have to read this as one of my besties…I swear it’s not personal but, you already knew that.
I’m harder on myself than I probably should be.
I’m a goal chaser. It’s a blessing and a curse but I have been working on loving myself a lot more and tearing myself down a lot less so I think it’s working itself out with time.
I lack “care’s” when it comes to other people’s opinion of me.
There is something that happens to a woman who is staring at her thirties. I do know when it kicks in exactly but something happens…where you stop giving a f*ck about other people’s opinions of you and who you should be. All I can say is it feel great and I’m not changing that so…yeah.
Acknowledging these things out loud make me feel as though I can finally relax and breathe. I am finally to the point where I have rid myself of what (and who) I thought the perfect Constance was supposed to be. I accept that am severely flawed and have a tremendous amount of growing to do. It’s about progress, not perfection and…I’m ok with that.
Oh yeah, Happy New Year…”for auld lang syne”.